So 2010 has now come and gone, and I still don’t know how to describe this past year. Maybe disastrous is the proper descriptive, but I’m not sure. In the past year I lost a number of friends, some sadly due to tragic circumstances, others due to hostility for reasons that still puzzle me. I saw the dissolution of my role in three bands; I quit the first one when they became a little too “mean” for my tastes. The second, I was told, booted me out while I was away at a friends funeral (Yet, oddly, I’m still invited to their shows), and the third seemed to sadly just fizzle out no matter what I tried. I also saw some of the greatest occurrences of “Murphy’s Law” in the largest concert I was involved in last summer. It kind of seems that nothing went particularly well! This also led to me almost question my dedication to music at this age, but then I realized that I really don't have much else at the same level that's "fulfilling", "satisfying" or "engaging", or basically that I enjoy doing on a personal level, so I accepted the failures and decided that I have to carry on.
I’m trying to remember some positives, but it’s been tough. When someone asked me about a month ago what I looked forward to in the future, I was totally stumped. I recall only being able to say dinner, and finishing off the stack of books that I was reading. I feel that many of my previous goals that I put much stock into are back to square one as of late.
With all this said, I hope that I’ve at least acquired some wisdom of some sort from all these experiences, regardless of how small. I suppose that the biggest lesson I’ve learned throughout the past year is that if I want to do something, I’ll likely have to do it by myself. In the past, I used to do everything with friends or acquaintances (I have many of those; I know many people, but not many people well), whether it be traveling, concerts, discovering new things, etc. But it seems that if I still followed that premise these days, I’d sit around all day, and really experience very little. I’ve always had a shaky confidence in people, but throughout the past year, I’ve seemed to more openly embrace the idea of doing everything independently, which although not as fun, hasn’t been that bad with the exception of the Halloween attempted-mugging incident. Even that evening wasn't all bad, and I'm glad that I went out instead of staying inside like I used to. I find that some of the most memorable experiences that I've had over the past year have been when I've thrown myself into something totally foreign or unfamiliar. As one of my friends once told me, life is about stories. Stories may also be called adventures, misadventures, or even awkward moments, depending on how they they come about, but either way, I consider them a positive thing to have.
I’ve also tried to be a more open person, which I’ve definitely found to be a double-edged sword. It’s much better to embrace what you’re passionate about, but merely having an opinion or just doing as you please without censorship around others seems be toxic to some relationships in the oddest of ways. I suppose all the time I’ve spent locked away reading strange books may have gone to my head, but on a positive note, I’ve probably read more books in the last year than I can recall in ages. I've actually come to enjoy just going to a coffee shop by myself to read. A few years ago, that really wasn't my idea of a good time :P
As for 2011, it looks pretty hazy at the moment, but I’m hoping to work harder, be less distracted, and avoid the shortcomings that led to the failures of 2010. I’m still not sure if and how this is possible, but hopefully I’ll stumble onto something.
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